It is a cold fact that America’s airline industry has descended into a chaotic mess which is often painful for passengers and always exploitative.    

Consider foreign people wanting to travel within the USA on vacation.  The family of four decides to visit New York City, Washington DC, and Orlando, Florida.    

Domestic plane tickets are needed so the dad, let’s call him Malcolm, calls any airline.    

 “Sir, what class of service would you like?  Premium, Comfort Class, Efficiency, or Painful seating?”    

 “Uh, I don’t really know.  Can you describe them?”    

Certainly, sir.  Premium Class will cost your family thousands of dollars.  You will get a big seat and a choice of food.  Not really much of a choice because we only stock three entrees for each selection and they always run out.  Chances are your family will get the cold chicken plate.  Drinks are free.”    

“Is Comfort Class a better deal?”    

“Depends on your family’s needs, sir.   Comfort seats are small but you do board right after the premiums and can take a bag on the plane.  You can purchase the cold chicken plate for ten dollars.  You get water free.”    

“So what’s comforting about Comfort Class?”    

“The name, sir.”    

“Oh.  How efficient is Efficiency Class?”    

“Excellent question, sir.  Here your family will get seat selection 24 hours in advance.”    

“What else?”    

“Nothing else comes with that class, sir.  But you can buy many things.  Pretzels and soda, beer and wine, peanuts and chips - you can buy them all at outrageous prices.  Also, you can take luggage with you on the plane for a fee depending on the weight and color of the bag.  If we like the color it’s a little less.  You can take a book with you free but a device will cost you ten dollars.  There is no WiFi but some passengers just like to look at their devices.  It’s a security thing.”    

“And the Painful Section?”    

“Very low unit pricing here, sir, if that’s a priority for you.  You sit in the back of the plane, board last, and we can’t guarantee an actual seat number.  We find many passengers wrestle for seating which can be challenging but satisfying if you win.”    

“What about my family’s luggage?”    

“We charge 50 dollars per bag unless it weighs more than two pounds, then it’s 75 dollars.  Also, you may not get your bags when you land but sooner or later someone will take them off the plane.  Then we’ll notify you about their location.  Again, sometimes this is challenging but can be fun if you like scavenger hunts.”    

“But Painful Seating is inexpensive, right?”    

“That’s the beauty of it, sir.  A family of four can fly DC to Florida for $125.”    

“Wow, that’s tremendous!”    

“There is some supplemental pricing that you should know about, sir.  If anyone in your party has to use the lavatory, it’s ten dollars a visit.  If you use a paper towel, that’s another five dollars.  If you are wearing shoes, there is a one time charge of seven dollars.  If by some miracle you get an aisle or window seat, there’s a thirty dollar supplement because it’s less painful.    

“Water is five dollars but you can keep the bottle.  If you look at the inflight magazine, the tariff is three dollars.”    

“I don’t think Painful Class is for us.  What about pets, we have a dog.”    

“We kill pets, sir.  So what can I book for you today?”    

“A rental car.”