Underwent my annual medical exam last week. All Americans should do this as we live in stressful times. Have had the same doctor for 20 years. She actually worries about me. Endearing. Old School.
The process hasn't changed very much over the years: blood pressure, drawing blood, discussing blood. Dracula would have a blast.
We begin with a young female medical assistant asking me questions even though my "profile" is on the computer that she's staring at.
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Last name?
O'Reilly.
Height?
6'4".
Weight?
200.
Do you snore?
What?
Snore, when you're sleeping.
Don't think so—maybe a little whimpering.
My dog snores.
At this point, the woman looks up with a hint of disdain.
A jest, madam.
Do you eat junk food?
Not as a rule.
But sometimes?
Pizza.
Really?
Want some, we'll get Dominos.
Are you making fun of me?
Yes.
Just in time, the doctor enters. The young woman gives her a look. She nods. I'll take it from here, she says.
She looks at me.
Any problems?
Just the snoring question.
You'll never change.
Apparently not.
Let's get you a flu shot and a pneumonia shot.
Visions of RFK, Jr. appear in my head. Can I still type if I turn into a werewolf?
Two for the price of one, I say.
You're old. You need the pneumonia vax.
But Bobby says...
The needles appear. Quick and efficient. If I start howling instead of snoring, call the authorities.
After something called an "EKG", I'm done.
Your skin is dry, says the doc.
I'm Irish. It's cold. Is that a problem?
Doesn't look great.
Should I get tattoos to hide it?
Totally ignores that remark. Call me if you have any discomfort.
We'd be on the phone all day, every day.
You're probably due for a colonoscopy.
I was hoping you'd say that.
We can schedule one for you.
This "keeping me alive" business is complicated.
Do you think it's worth it?
Not if I can't have pizza.
The exam finished, I buttoned up and walked out into the waiting room. There, the two receptionists smiled. Happy holidays all around.
But the best part: no snoring questions.
